Learning to Love Me

The other day, I was looking through some papers I had saved from years ago when I was in high school. For some reason, I had saved a Nike ad I'd seen in a magazine. I think I saved it for the person I am right now. The ad starts off by saying, "Will she look at magazines and think she has to be as thin as the models she sees? Think that independence makes her less desirable? Lower her expectations because she can't find women to look up too?" On the other side of the page, it goes on to say, "Will she grow up questioning the things we don't? Will she be confident enough that these issues don't bother her at all? If she plays sports, if she's healthy and strong and self assured, they won't. Being active in your life, in the lives of other women and in the lives of generations of women to come. Fight the things you don't want to live with. Talk about the things that bother you. Ask why it has to be that way. Then change it."


This is me in 2006 at my youngest brothers graduation reception. I think I actually look in this picture.

For years, I have flipped through the pages of magazines and watched a lot of movies. I've seen all of the beautiful looking women pass before my eyes. Many times before I even realize what I'm doing, I catch myself thinking, "Why can't I look like that? Why can't I be tall, thin and beautiful too?"

Growing up, I never had a weight problem. As a child, I was always small, skinny. Once I hit middle school, I gained some weight and filled out. I was very, very awkward at this age and I hated it. By my senior year in high school, I was looking good but I still didn't have the greatest sense of self-esteem. At 18 years old, I was average, normal, not too skinny and not overweight. It wasn't until about age 24 or 25 that I really started gaining the weight. In the last 4 or 5 years, I put on about 50 lbs. At my heaviest, I peaked at 183 lbs. I look back at pictures of myself in the last few years; embarrassed and ashamed at how I look. Looking like this, how could any guy ever notice me or love me? How could I ever love me?

One afternoon, I was texting a guy I met through work. I'll call him Eli because I think he looks kind of like the lead singer of the Eli Young Band. Anyways, I've liked this guy for months. I never said anything to him because I was afraid he'd laugh at me, quit talking to me, or that he could never be interested in this fat girl. At one point in our conversation, I mentioned that most guys don't notice me. The one's that do either look at me like their little sister or just a friend. Eli tells me he doesn't know any of my friends and I can't be seen as someone's best friend and we're obviously not related so I couldn't be his sister. I asked him why I couldn't be someone's best friend. He told me he didn't see me like that; that I was definately friendly. I asked him if I was just there, basically another person to talk too. He replied that I had it all wrong. He went on to say, "You said guys didn't notice you. I do. Cute little smile, obviously flirting with me for half an hour. I'm surprised that you think I wouldn't notice that."

I kept thinking to myself, "Wow, this good looking guy noticed me." Later on, I was hoping he didn't notice or realize that I wasn't skinny or drop dead gorgeous. I was also hoping he wasn't thinking I was some kind of loser and laughing at me. But I've gotten to know that he's not a jerk that would laugh at me. He's one of the nicest people I've ever met.

In the two weeks since our conversation, I decided I didn't want to be the self proclaimed awkward, fat ugly girl anymore. I want to be someone I liked, respected; to be the best person I knew how to be. My mom and I have a challenge in place. It's more for my benefit because my mom is already skinny and beautiful. My goal is to get back to what I looked like in high school. I want to learn how love myself. I want to be able to look into my bathroom mirror and say with confidence to myself, "Damn, I look good."


This is me and my friend April. This was taken in March of 2010. I had just lost a total of 25 lbs. My secret? Severely breaking my leg/ankle and getting my tonsils out within 4 months of each other. I really don't recommend that weight loss plan. It worked, but it was very painful.

Pink's song, "Perfect" keeps getting stuck in my head. I feel like there is someone that is actually telling me I'm perfect or good enough like I am, even when I don't think that about myself. It's been a good motivator for me.

P.S. Mom, I love you. Thanks for pushing me when I needed it, especially when I didn't want to be pushed.

P.S.S. I'm so glad no one saw me writing this. There were tears; lots of them. If you only knew the guts it took for me to even write this.....